It's true I crave you
It'd be cool if my computer would stop lagging long enough to arbitrarily write a journal.

Work has been work-like and I have been skimping on some of my daily things I like to do, I thought I was going to do that again today since I had a long shift (by surprise) but I actually feel pretty good! I've been doing my arm work outs after work and I really think my strength is improving. I also think maybe my arms are looking nicer, I've always been a little self conscious of my arms because I always thought they looked chubby. I'm self conscious about most of my body but whatever.

Having extra hours is nice because money, and I was going to be kind of short on hours this week. However, I miss Miki a lot today and I was hoping to get to talk to her after work since my break was short.

I get a lot of compliments at work from my managers and co-workers and also customers and it's nice since most of the time I kind of wonder if I'm doing a good job or just flailing around with icing I did a really pretty cake for an order today and I was so proud of it I wish i could have gotten pictures. I did ruffles around the edges and airbrushed it and even gave it pretty lacey designs on top. I am happy I'm getting better at decorating every day, it feels good.

I need to work on being a little less soft spoken I guess, most of the time people can't hear me. Talking loud is hard.

I need to do a little comic tonight and I have a few ideas for one so hopefully it'll be cute.

I love this new little magikarp game that came out, its cute and easy and fun to poke. I keep getting the same designs for magikarps though, but oh well.

Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears, rather ones that just don't care
I haven't journaled in a few days, nothing super interesting going on right now and as usual after work I'm tired so a lot of nights I just can't really think of what to write.

I wish I could get back into writing poetry but my poetry was embarrassing and when I go back and read it it makes me cringe a little oops. It's fun sometimes when I'm in the mindset to think of it though.

I just want to eat cookies tonight.

Tomorrow I need to take Macaroni to the vet for his vaccinations and I have a late shift at work. I'll be a bagger, which I don't know why but I get oddly nervous about that job but I'll do my best.

I had an impromptu hang out day with Austin and it was nice I haven't seen him since before I started my job if I remember correctly.

My mom has started trying to reach out to me more and I don't like it. I'm not ready to talk to her or see her so it doesn't really matter what she says.

3 weeks until Miki is here and I'm excited for that!

I'll be stuck fixated on one star When the world is crashing down
The last two days at work were hectic and I keep coming home and passing out (basically). I have two days off in a row again which is nice so I've mostly just been relaxing today but also kind of getting the house together and the laundry done because as always I've been neglecting it.

I've now cried at work twice so basically I guess I'm giving up on fake stoicism. I'm emotional and it's not really something I can keep secret. I'll do my best to handle stress better though and also I need to get better about saying no to people and also asking for help. This new job is definitely not only teaching me a lot about decorating but a lot about myself.

Something I've always done but I've recently realized is maybe a coping mechanism, when somehting bad happens (i don't mean terrible, just generally not great) I tend to replay it in my head but I change everyone including myself into cute things like pokemon or whatever. Shrug, just an observation but I've been doing it forever.

Stealing a meme from Miki because I'm danger noodle

Also doing it in all Fall Out Boy songs because I'm Kerstin

1. A song you like with a color in the title:
Golden - Fall Out Boy

2. A song you like with the number in the title:
20 Dollar Nose Bleed - Fall Out Boy

3. A song that reminds you of summertime:
Fourth Of July - Fall Out Boy

4. A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about:
Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today - Fall Out Boy

5. A song that needs to be played LOUD:
Honorable Mention - Fall Out Boy

6. A song that makes you dance:
I don't care - Fall Out Boy

7. A song to drive to:
Favorite Record - Fall Out Boy

8. A song about drugs or alcohol:
Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner - Fall Out Boy

9. A song that makes you happy:
Of All The Gin Joints in the World - Fall Out Boy

10. A song that makes you sad:
Miss Missing You - Fall Out Boy

11. A song that you never get tired of:
Sugar We're Going Down - Fall Out Boy

12. A song from your preteen years:
Grand Theft Autumn - Fall Out Boy

13. A song that is a cover by another artist:
Beat it - Covered by Fall Out Boy :P

14. A song that you would sing a duet with on karaoke:
Uh oh I don't know honestly, even a non Fall Out Boy song

15. A favorite song with a person's name in the title:
What A Catch Donnie - Fall Out Boy

16. A song that moves you forward:
A little Less sixteen candles a little more touch me - Fall Out Boy

17. A song a band you wish were still together:
Fall Out Boy is still together (but maybe I wish they would make music like they used to)

XO - Fall Out Boy

18. A song by an artist with a voice that you love:
GINASFS - Fall Out Boy (I love your voice Patrick)

19. A song that reminds you of yourself:
Sugar We're Going Down- Fall Out Boy

But tonight I'll make you feel beautiful once again
I had two days off in a row so I've had a nice little weekend.

The first day I set up a little cake project that was supposed to span over both days but I was so excited I finished in one day (even if I kept forgetting, or at least thought I was forgetting ingredients)

The cakes and cupcakes and tiny tea cakes turned out nice and I feel proud. I'm going to bring them into work tomorrow and I'm just going to have to man up and not be weird and nervous because what the fuck else am I going to do with this cake??

Today was extra nice, I spent most of the day on the phone with Miki and just relaxing and snacking and listening and sharing little thoughts and whatever. The only thing that would have been better is if she was actually here chilling on the sofa with me, but it made me really happy. Of course some frustrating things happened for Miki too and I wouldn't say that was nice, annoying things and people suck but it doesn't change the fact that getting to talk to Miki all day makes me happy.

I went running and mowed the lawn and now I'm super hungry, so I think it's time to find something to eat and maybe watch some chopped or cupcake wars before bed. Early work day tomorrow, I like the early shifts. (I hope I'm not the closer)

I black out the moon
In before I fall asleep!

Things have been up and down at work, I've hit a milestone as far as getting yelled at by my manager for the first time but I handled it well and fixed my mistake.

I'm slowly discovering that all of my co workers are annoying but also I think most people are annoying so honestly it's not that surprising.

I'm glad I have this job though because to be honest I really love decorating. It's funny because when I quit at the restaurant I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back to working with food and I was really not in love with the idea of working retail. But here I am covered in cake and interacting with lots of customers. The customer part isn't as bad as I thought it would be. But I love decorating cakes. I'm really enjoying learning and just creating cute little desserts that people get really excited about, it's nice. I actually look really forward to it.

I'm starting to not feel so nervous every day so that's nice too.

I have the next two days off and I'm going to make some little cakes and little fondant roses and maybe other fondant figures so that will be fun! I'm looking forward to it, I hope it turns out cute!

Today was Mother's Day and I'm still not talking to my mom but she keeps tagging me in stuff on Facebook and it's weird and awkward. Worst of all she keeps tagging me in old photos from when I was fat and it makes me feel sad and self conscious and awkward.

Sometimes I wonder how other people see me. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I dunno, there's a lot of things I wish I could change about myself sometimes. But there's things I like about me too.

Ask you once, ask you twice now
I ended up not baking anything today, but that's okay I got other stuff done so I feel good. Besides I really wanted to make macarons and they wouldn't have turned out right anyway so I saved myself some heart ache.

I walked around pier park in my new muscle shirt and my not new shorts and I felt a little naked/self conscious at first but then I got over it and it's good because it was a little warm. I didn't find the pokemon plush I was looking for but I did get some nice smelling candles and a cute little present for Miki and I found the Oreos Reagan wanted so I would say it was a successful day.

tomorrow is work and I hope I don't have to work with the girl I don't like but I think I do. I hope the district managers are gone so the store is more calm, there's not really a lot of vacationers here right now so if they're gone it should be a calm few days, maybe a week or so until summer vacationers start coming. As long as I've lived here you'd think I'd know when seasons start.

Should I have more coffee? Always yes. Another cookie? Maybe also yes.

A pet peeve of mine is when I want to cook something but it's frozen. Thawing things is frustrating. But also if I would just remember to take stuff out of the freezer I wouldn't have to deal with it! I have 99 problems and 98 of them are self inflicted.

I feel worried about silly stuff tonight and I wish I would just stop.

But it was a good day and I did well on my run and stuff so yay for that, and I got to talk to Miki a lot which alwyas makes for a fun day! I think the next thing I'll bake is cupcakes, I want to make little decorations on top of them with my leftover marshmallow fondant.

Now to decide what decorations and what flavor cupcakes.

Waist deep in thought
because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone

you are my getaway
Today was a better day at work but still frustrating, I feel like I did a good job though which is the most important thing. But my co-workers are getting pretty good at getting on my nerves again.

There's a big order going out tomorrow for 38 dozen cupcakes and it goes out pretty early, around 9 am so the girl who was there with me and I were asked to work on them so that the opener isn't overwhelmed with cupcakes tomorrow. I set out and got all the chocolate cupcakes iced (half are chocolate half are vanilla) and they all also needed flowers on them. This girl comes back from her break, late, which I might add she always comes back from her break late. She then argues with me about how they're supposed to be decorated, even though I am the one who took the order. So I offered to call and confirm, she says she'll call instead so that's fine. The lady says whatever flowers are fine. So this girl insists on making it really complicated and doing all different kinds of flowers when I (and my manager) agreed that we should just do daisies because they're easy.

After getting through all of the chocolate (which to be honest I did 80%) cupcakes I say "we probably won't have time to do the vanilla today should I go ahead and get them boxed for the opener?"

She says, I didn't realize there was more I would have worked faster.

I wanted to punch her and myself in the face. Why don't you just work fast anyway so we can get some fucking work done???????? Fuck?!

Anyway I stayed calm and I could tell my manager thought I was doing a great job and wasn't impressed with her. I asked him if i should stay late to finish the cupcakes but he said it was okay and thankyou for offering. I hate people.

Also spending all day with people I don't really relate to really makes me crave spending time with a specific someone.

I still enjoy this job one million times better than my old job though that's for sure.

Tomorrow is my day off so I'm happy for that and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I keep thinking about baking something but I'm not sure what so I don't know if I will or not. I might make myself pancakes for breakfast. I like to think about food!

Time to play my little tap games and relax for the evening.

Call me if you're crashing, we'll take turns
Weird observation but I've never met a Brittany that I like. Unfortunately it's turning out that the Brittany I work with is no exception to the rule. Maybe I'm being too harsh but whatever. All of my "bad" days at work have been caused by her calling out or leaving early so there's that.

Also I'm a little upset because I heard the managers talking about things that they don't like that the decorators do that the decorators have been teaching me to do. I want to learn the right way to do things, so all I can do is be better and do things the actual right way from now on. Still though.

I don't feel amazing today.

The people at my Starbucks continue to be super sweet and give me free coffee, or free upsizes which is nice! I hope all these big coffees don't make me gain weight but also as much as I've been running around and also trying to keep up exercising I think I'll be fine. I'm not going to say no to free coffee okay.

Today is one of those days where I keep thinking about all the things I did wrong and it's just really stressing me out. Sometimes I like day dreaming but not like this. So I'll daydream about the things I wish I was doing instead.

I just want to lie here with you
I was pretty tired today, but I still did good at work and I managed to work diligently and it was a good day! And I've been remembering to drink water while I'm at work do I don't feel shitty when I get home, tiny goals!

I was listening to pierce the veil today and it reminds me so much of sitting in the car with Miki and looking at all the hills and everything as we drive back to her house from the air port. It makes me happy but also it makes me really miss her too.

Speaking of music every time I see something about the new Fall Out Boy song and people getting tickets for their upcoming tour I feel weird and jealous, weird because I dunno if I will even like this album so who cares if I go see them anyway but also it's Fall Out Boy! I do hope I see them again one day though but it probably won't be for a while but that's okay too!

I've been thinking about what dates we will go on when Miki is here in June and I'm excited, there's some new places I want to try but also lots of places we already love like going and eating yummy crab!

I'm going to play more love live before I'm too sleepy to do anything.

I try to picture me without you but I can't
Today was a nice day off, I have to take a small nap before I do anything lately but oh well.

I've been trying really hard to catch up in the score match event but wow am I bad at score matches! But I've played a lot today and I'll give it my best. But it'd be cool if love live stopped picking all of the songs I'm really bad at!

I went to the store and found a yummy recipe for pork with a mushroom and Brie sauce so I got the ingredients I needed and made it and I think it turned out yummy! I would definitely make it again!

I did my comic and played animal crossing and played my tap games and did my exercise so I feel like I accomplished all the things I wanted to, and the house is pretty clean and my clothes are clean so I'm ready for work tomorrow.

I wonder what kind of stuff I'll do at work tomorrow!

Still no period but I've been crampy on and off today.

The weather is still oddly nice, I wonder how long it'll last. I went out to pier park to look around and I didn't find any of the stuff I was looking for but I had a nice little walk and I bought some shirts at hot topic because they were having a sale!


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