This was never my intention after all
Miki is here again and I'm really really happy, it kind of felt unreal that she was going to be here (I feel like I always say this, I'm living in a constant state of not trusting reality I guess). There were no delays in Atlanta or anything, which I am so thankful for.

Seeing her walk through the gate at our little airport and getting to hug her again has been better than I can describe. I've been at a lack of words lately, I feel like everything I say doesn't accurately convey even half of what I'm really feeling.

I was going to nap yesterday before she got here since her flight came in a little late but I had a lot going on last night. My Mom visited for a little while which was fine, and Reagan got a headache so I was worried about her and some other stuff. Not to mention I was maybe too excited to nap anyway. I was worried I'd be super sleepy when Miki finally got here, but we stayed up all night talking. It was really nice, she's the only person I think I've ever been able to stay up a full 24 hours for.

We're going to go running later and go to the store, I'm excited!

In other news I'm getting my first tattoo in a little over a week! I've designed it myself and thought really hard about it and found a talented tattoo artist and I'm ready, I keep thinking about it and also about all the future tattoos I want if this goes well. I'm not too nervous about the pain, maybe I should be. If I get really nervous about it it won't be as much of a shock when it hurts, but at the same time I think I'll be fine. I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I'm extra happy I was able to get the appointment so soon because now Miki can be there with me while I get it!

I want to eat all the blueberry oreos Miki brought but I'm being good, but like wow they're even better than I thought they'd be.

I've started to accept the fact that exercising is one of my hobbies. Which sounds weird to say, but I've always viewed it before as something I do so I can enjoy other things better. Which could sometimes be frustrating because I felt like I am "wasting" all this time exercising when I could be doing stuff I "want" to do. But I actually love jogging and walking and being active in general. It's kind of nice because now it doesn't feel like I'm giving up stuff I love to do it, it's something I love doing. Even if it's taken me a few years to learn to love it.

Weird random introspection.

I have a fondness for listening to music that makes me sad, but not in a wallowing in self pity sort of way. It's kind of a way I put things I'm dealing with into perspective, I don't always have an easy time processing emotion and music has always really helped me with that.

I know it's pathetic
Fuck it, yeah, I said it
Tried to tell it like it is
There's a chance that I'll regret it, so
Let's go, let's end this
I delete before I send it
And we can play pretend
Like we haven't reached the end yet

I'm really glad things are getting better, and I'm glad I maybe didn't ruin everything.

Some nights it gets so bad you almost pick up the phone
I keep wanting to write but I dunno I haven't had access to a desktop and I've been at Metrocon so I've been busy.

It's been super fun and I've met cool people and it's been a cool time. It's crazy how different this con experience has been and how much I and Reagan and I have changed since we started coming in 2012.

It's also a little weird finding out most of the people you meet are now younger than you, especially when everyone thinks you're younger than them. It's cool though.

I am having a great time but I'm dealing with some emotional stuff and I wish I could have figured it out before the convention, I'm still figuring things out. I wish I had a clear answer.

Have you ever missed someone but you just know you're not good for them. I'm not trying to sound like a martyr here, but when you've done so much to hurt someone it's like can I really go back? Even if I can all I'm going to feel is guilt and I wouldn't be surprised if all I remind them of is pain. I dunno it sounds so dramatic blah, but I've been thinking about it and things and I just needed to write it down.

Now isn't the time but when is it ever the right time for anything anymore.

Forget the way her tears taste
I feel a little weird writing right now, but lately everything is a little weird.

I just have to remember I write for me and not for anyone else. Right now I feel like my presence on the internet isn't welcome, which is okay. I've been busy.

It's come and it's passing
At its peak everything burns
Each day passing is worse than the last
Praying for storms to chase away the sun

Anticipating hurricanes
Don't worry they're coming
and they'll wreak havoc
crush everything in their wake

It's been a few years

The only hurricane is her
A category five
Just trying to survive another summer with herself.

Having two days off from work is weird, when I come back it's like I haven't been here in one thousand years what did I miss, do I even know any of you anymore? That's what it feels like before I go in anyway but then things go back to normal whatever normal is. MY time off has finally been approved so I'm going to Metrocon and I Can actually be excited, since I have low key been worried about it since I quit my last job. Because I'm Kerstin I'm still worried though, the idea of being off of work for a week is just really messing with me. I'll have a good time once I'm there of course.

Put another 'x' on the calendar
Summer's on it's deathbed
There is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends
And I meant everything I said that night

It's 6 a.m., I'm so far away from you
Do you ever go to do something you were really excited about then you're like what's the point? I don't even mean it in a depressing defeatist way, just sometimes I'm like why am I doing this thing. Then I do it anyway and think about something else because I don't know if I'm going to be like that what's the point of anything really. Sometimes I wonder.

Yesterday for the first time in maybe weeks I had an amazing day at work, I feel like I'm going to jynx it by saying it too much but I really enjoy my co-workers. It was fully staffed and everyone was in a good mood and there was a lot of laughing. Everyone picks on each other in a lighthearted way and it's just a really good work environment because everyone actually cares about each other and helps out and I don't know. It's worth all the stress.

It's so ironic because I hated everyone so much at my other job and I was convinced anywhere I went wouldn't really be much different so I'd just keep to myself and do my work and go home and repeat. Now on Thursday I'm going out drinking with Key, the other decorator, and Zac one of the managers. I'm really excited, but a little nervous. I'm not actually cool and I think I've tricked them in to thinking I'm cool???? So we will see, but maybe it'll be really fun.

More introspection, blah blah boring but anyway. It's also weird because I really thought I was an extreme introvert. Talking to people made me tired, going out and seeing people? Yuck (at least for most people). But now I dunno, I'm excited to talk to the people I work with and I want to hang out with some of them and I haven't been overthinking what I say as much or how I look or feel around them. I'm just me and they seem to like it so whatever. I still say stupid Kerstin things and do silly Kerstin things but it's okay.

I've been really open about the fact I am gay and also poly which was a goal when I started this job and at first I was scared to talk about it. Most everyone in the bakery knows now and they don't care (in a good way) and it's nice. I like not tip toeing around my life. Although I feel like I gave Zac the wrong impression because I think he thinks I just want to date every woman. It's kind of hilarious though and he now likes to point out women he thinks are hot to me. I feel a little silly now for thinking anyone here would actually be offended by my sexuality.

I went out with Reagan last night and it's been a while since we just went out on a date together and it was really fun and nice, I'm lucky to have Reagan in my life. We walked around and complained about Florida weather and vacationers and didn't eat hamburgers because Five Guys was closed and Red Robin was packed. It was annoying but we still had fun, I got some cute stuff from hot topic because that's where everything I wear is from because I'm cool and edgey (haha). On the way home we listened to Panic At the Disco too loud and sang and danced in the car which we haven't done in a while and it was cute.

Today I will be the only one in the decorator side and I'm not so sure it's going to be as magical of a day. But I will do my best to get through it.

Only a month until Miki is back, I'm ready to see her again. It's been nice because we've been talking on the phone a lot and that's one of my favorite things. It'd be nicer to talk to her next to me on the sofa though. Soon.

I have so much more I want to write but I have things I need to do, maybe next time.

I'm calling you from the future
To let you know we've made a mistake
And there's a fog from the past that's giving me, giving me such a headache

If I'm being honest
Wow things have been a roller coaster, I've been wanting to write but I've been busy and so tired. I also don't know what I want to write. I have all these things in my head but they just won't come out, but that's not really new or different.

I feel calm lately just all the time, almost abnormally so. I've always wanted to be a chill person but at my core I know I'm not and I'm easily shaken especially depending on the situation. But the past few days nothing really gets to me, I think it's how I cope when I'm stressed. I just kind of stop feeling sometimes. But it works out, and I wonder when I'll inevitably have an emotional breakdown. Maybe I won't.

I saw Austin today and it was nice, we complained about work and it helped me to remember it's crazy everywhere right now because it's the middle of summer, but summer will end and we just have to make it.

I really like a lot of songs on the radio right now which is nice, also it's funny how the songs on the radio tend to match up with what's going on in my life, but also it's probably just because songs have similar themes and you tend to pick up on whatever themes appeal/relate most to you at the time. I love music though.

I'm both really happy with the person I am and am growing into and simultaneously a little scared and I dunno. At the end of the day it's still me.

It's taken me 2 days to write this please just finish it Kerstin. I'm maybe a little distracted.

Now it's right before work and I hope it's a good day, I'm constantly battling myself between knowing I'm doing my best and wondering if my best just isn't good enough. Lately all I do is repeat to myself "I did my best and that's all I can do"

I see stars around your face
I've been wanting to journal but between working all the time and then planning on doing things at night but just falling asleep that just hasn't happened!

I'm writing a quick one before work but hopefully I can write a real entry soon.

As always time goes too fast when Miki's here and there's so much I still want to do with her. But also everything is so fun and nice when she's around so I'm happy. I was getting sad because she leaves soon and it feels like she just got here but we've already got her next two trips planned so I'm not so sad anymore!

I want to write in detail about our little dates went on so I'll do that soon.

I hope we can go to the beach one morning and go to Dunkin do. Also we got to try a raid yesterday it was hard but I'm happy we got to do our first raid together even if we sucked!

Also it's my birthday! I need to get ready for work! I really want to write more later.

I think about her and she knows it
Definitely not been keeping up with my journals like I said I would! I've been busy though.

Last night we finally went to Peppers and it was lots of fun, even more fun that I had imagined! Miki seemed to like the margaritas and they are actually pretty alcoholic and I'm not just a lightweight! We Brent to Jo Anne's with Reagan after dinner and Miki and I wandered around the store being silly and drunk. It was fun, I love drinking with Miki.

Tonight we're going out to Destin, I'm really glad the rain has let up because for a little bit I was worried we would have to postpone because the weather was so bad. I'm excited and it'll be a lot of fun, I'm happy I've had these days off so we can do fun stuff.

We've been playing love live and watching top model and drinking coffee so needless to say today has been really nice too. I might actually get my first Nozomi card today, which is extra impressive because it's a score match event which I'm bad at. But it's lots of fun to play love live with Miki on the couch

Honestly these teeth won't let you go
Quick little journal entry while I'm on my lunch break! I haven't written in a few days oops but Miki is here now!!

After flying through Atlanta and getting her flight delayed a few times we both suffered ptsd from the last time I flew through Atlanta but she made it that night even if it was a few hours later so I'm happy!

We've been having fun and eating yummy food and watching top model and I'm just really happy. I missed this. I missed her. (A lot)

Also today we've been dating 1 year and I'm so happy! I feel bad I wasn't able to plan anything special but I will make it up by taking her on a really fun date when I know my schedule! (Will I ever know my schedule for next week who knows sob).

I still remember asking her out and waking up that morning and being like today is the day and I felt so nervous all day and we talked on the phone for a few hours and it was fun and perfect and I asked and I was like she's definitely going to say no and then she said yes! I'm so happy she said yes.

I'm excited for future trips and stuff that we're planning and I'm just so happy she's here right now! It's nice having my running buddy back too, my legs are a little sore from today's run so that's good!

Tonight we're going out for crab! I hope I don't work too early tomorrow because I want to have some drinks too, keeping my fingers crossed!

Work has been uneventful, Robin was there when I got in but she left pretty soon after so hooray for that. I've been icing cakes and stuff like usual! I like uneventful days.

I should get ready to walk back to work!

What if I can't forget you
Quick journal before work since I have a few minutes! I hope work goes well today, it's been a relatively easy past few days which has been nice. I work 10 to 4 today so not a super long shift and I think I'm going to cook dinner tonight when I get home. Maybe steak!

Before bed last night my stomach started hurting a lot so I ended up napping on the sofa and then waking up long enough to go to bed, I don't know if the stomach pain kept me from sleeping well or what but I was really tired when I woke up so I made it out to the sofa but I kept falling asleep on and off. I was able to wake up enough to do my elliptical and I did my best and I think I did pretty good. If I was a magikarp I'd say I did a great effort today but not amazing!

I also dreamed about eating donuts, I really want a donut but when don't I want a donut!

Hopefully I won't get called in tomorrow because I have a lot I want to do tomorrow before Miki gets here Wednesday night! (aaaaah!!) I even made myself a little list so I don't forget! I need to pick some stuff up at the store after I get off work, maybe I'm comfortable enough now that I can just buy the stuff in the store I work at without getting weird and needing to just leave. I'm weird.

I'm going to drink another cup of coffee and tap my games before I head into work

Pull your chin to my lips using only my finger tips
2 more days until Miki basically and I'm so excited! It's all I can think about and I'm ready for her to be here! I'm glad I have the Day before she flies in off from work because I have a few things I want to do that day before she gets here!

And then I also have the day off after she flies in so that's great! I'm excited to spend time with her and I've just been extra excited to go drinking with her, I'm considering getting some whiskey for the house so we can stay up and have drinks the night she gets in but also it makes both of us sleepy and we want to stay up for the end of the love live event so I dunno, I'll ask her tomorrow! Or she will read this before I wake up and can tell me! XD

Work was good, I'm getting better at time management and also talking to customers which has been a personal goal of mine. I've been working on promoting our sales items and I think I'm doing a good job! If I counted right 4 out of the five or maybe 6 people I talked up the sales item to ended up buying it!

I also still make silly mistakes a lot but I'm getting better about not beating myself up for them and that's also a huge personal goal.

Also both of my time off requests have now been officially approved so I can be excited about metrocon and continue to be excited about Disney but that was already approved but still!

I should do a little comic tonight before I go to bed.


Log in

No account? Create an account