Bruises on your thighs like my fingerprints
Today was pretty normal as far as days go so instead of writing about my day I thought maybe I'd write some positive things about myself and things I've achieved this year as a reminder to myself that I'm doing good.

I'm doing a lot better than last year emotionally and although I'm going through stuff I am definitely handling it better than I've really ever handled my own emotions. I have ups and downs but I'm a stronger person than I have been.

I've done a lot of tough things and made a lot of hard decisions this year that have moved me towards being a more confident person and being where I want to be in life.

Even though I've made mistakes and done some stuff I regret I learned from my mistakes and in a way I don't regret things because I've learned a lot more about myself and things in general from those mistakes. Everything I've done has moved me to where I am and though things aren't exactly easy I'm happy with where I am and am more confident now more than ever in my ability to make decisions for myself.

I've proven to myself that I can hold down a job, work with people, and succeed in a business environment without my family.

It's okay to have needs and I'm not selfish or wrong for having them, I'm still learning to come to terms with this maybe though.

I've also been able to be more forgiving to myself when I slip or mess up, I'm just a person. But I am doing my best.

I'm really lucky to be in a relationship with someone who really patient with me and also helping me so much as far as caring for myself and being more confident in myself.

I've redefined my relationship with my Mom and we're getting along better than we have in a long time, maybe ever. It's really nice and I feel like I am finally getting some of the space I needed and some of the respect as well.

Anyways, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my Chanukah lights and play some Animal Crossing before I go to bed, I have a feeling I'll sleep a little better tonight!

You were too good to be true
Gold plated
But what's inside you?
But what's inside you?
I know this whole damn city thinks it needs you
But not as much as I do

For you I'd count the salt under the sea
Sometimes I'm a little naive, it's not one of my best qualities. I thought I was going to get to hang out with Phillip this weekend but he canceled, again. I'm not really surprised and I was prepared to be disappointed but I was still disappointed. I also have a hard time being mad at people, and I tend to blame myself I guess. I'm weird. I'm going to maybe not make plans with him anymore outside of going to lunch during work because I'm tired of being cancelled on, since I do change my plans for the day to go hang out. I like Phillip but maybe just as a work friend and not an outside of work friend.

I ended up driving out to Destin to hang out with him, we were supposed to meet when he got off of work at 2 but I got a text saying he needed to pick someone up from the airport at 3:45 so I decided to go ahead and walk around Destin by myself and see if maybe he'd get back to me. He never did. i had a good time anyway, I walked around all my favorite stores and took pictures of things and had a coffee and free samples at Whole Foods. The weather was cold which was nice. It was maybe colder than I expected because I regretted wearing shorts but luckily I have thunder thighs to keep me warm. As the sun started to go down my feet kind of hurt (they have been lately) and I was cold so I went to Brookstone and sat in a heated massage chair and got a nice back and leg massage. I want the leg massager so bad it's all I've thought about since. Okay that's a lie I also constantly think about food and my girlfriend. I really wish I had 200$ to drop on a leg massage thing though. All in all I had a good time, I got a little lonely at one point, I've said it before but the cold weather makes me want to be close to someone. It doesn't help either that pretty much everyone in Destin were couples on dates. Also the Christmas lights were really extra gorgeous as it got dark.

I drove back home and met up with Austin and a mutual friend of ours and we had coffee and talked about stuff. They're both working on stories and things which is really cool. It's neat to see everyone working on stuff they enjoy doing. I want to find time to read Austins story so I can tell him what I think of it. I'll do my best!

I'm a little sad because I wanted to participate in Austin's little thing he does every year for Christmas called Gothmas, which is basically just him and some of his friends dressing up goth and running around doing Christmas stuff, but I'll be working. Maybe another year, but I'm excited to see pictures.

After talking for a while we went to IHOP so it was pretty much the perfect hangout evening because coffee and IHOP on a cold night is great, and I was super hungry at that point. I got Oreo cheesecake stuffed brioche french toast or something and it was so good and also I'm fat. It was worth it.

The night before I hung out with Armaldo, we walked around Pier Park which he had never been to and it was fun! We talked about his girl problems because he's always got some girl problems. I talked about Miki. We walked all over Pier Park and it was nice I like just walking and talking. I felt bad having to leave a little earlier than I had planned but I was super sleepy suddenly (partially because I also got called into work that day). I want to hang out with Armaldo more though, we're definitely going to make plans to all hang out when Miki is back.

Today I'm going over to my Mom's house and we're going to eat steak and do a little more baking and probably just hang out. It'll be nice and I'm excited. I want to get some stuff done before I go over so I can just relax until it's time to come home and go to sleep so I need to get doing that soon.

Reagan made it to Illinois and she seems to be having a good time so I'm happy for that, I did well my first night alone in the house. It was't as bad as I thought and I had the TV on and the lights on so it was good. I also got to talk to Miki on the phone until I was falling asleep which was also helpful and nice.

Lately when I've been waking up I wake up feeling really worried. Maybe worried isn't the right word? I just wake up and I have that feeling that I'm running behind? It's weird I'll be happy for it to stop, it happens sometimes and i feel like it's affecting my sleep because when it happens I'm more tired. I didn't run as well today because I was really tired.

I can't believe it's the last week until Christmas.

(no subject)
Stealing this Meme from Miki!

End of Year Meme

Post the first sentence of the first journal entry of each month.

So I haven't been journaling very regularly (obviously) but I wanted to sit down and write today!

I want to journal but I'm so sleepy.

I made it to Pittsburgh!

I'm going back to sleep but here's my drunk musings that I fell asleep before I posted

Today has been pretty good, it could have been more productive but I ate maybe a little bit too much cookie dough and gave myself a stomache ache.

Okay I'm going to get better about journaling every day again!

I've been wanting to journal but between working all the time and then planning on doing things at night but just falling asleep that just hasn't happened!

I keep wanting to write but I dunno I haven't had access to a desktop and I've been at Metrocon so I've been busy.


I've been wanting to journal for what feels like forever but I've been busy and that's okay.

I've been wanting to journal but I've been busy and tired (what's new)

Taking a minute to journal!

I'm pretty sure like 60 percent of my journals (or more) start off with me not knowing how to start off journals and talking about it.

Okay I saw this coming, but also I'm laughing

I don't know how you get into me, down my throat and made a home in my veins
That feeling when you see a news post where it's talking about a famous guy kissing another guy. Like it's shocking, hello it's 2017, practically 2018. If you're going for shock value, boys kissing is a little underwhelming. Don't get me wrong I love hearing bout gay things. I'm all about having news of homosexual kissing. It's just the way this article was written (at a glance) was just irritating. I don't know.

Today was kind of an odd day for me feelings wise, admittedly it's pretty easy to throw me off if my routine gets disrupted. It's my own fault, I woke up late thinking I had work at 8 but I actually had work at 6. Luckily I wake up early to work out, so I had enough time to rush around get ready and go in without coming close to being late or anything. Unfortunately I did not get to work out this morning which always makes me feel weird. More contributing factors to my weirdness, I started my period. Which is also why I have probably felt extra exhausted the past few days. It's always weirdly relieving when my period shows up because then I at least have a reason for why I'm feeling poopy.

All in all it wasn't a bad day actually, I didn't let myself ruin my own day. I've been trying my hardest to not slip into a little rut I feel coming on. I can feel myself dwelling on negative thoughts about things. I'm proud of myself though, because unlike previous times when I get like this I don't really recognize it until I've let myself slide pretty far into it. I can now kind of see it coming and I know how to cope in healthy ways. I also am a lot easier on myself and know that sometimes I'm not going to be okay and I'm not going to feel happy all the time and that's not a bad thing. I'm stronger than my negative thoughts, I'm stronger than a lot of things!

I sometimes picture myself holding a bunch of things in my arms and they're carefully balances but if I drop one thing and I go to pick it up I end up dropping everything else and I have to pick it all back up and find my balance again. This is kind of how my emotions work. I've gotten a lot better and being able to pick up the thing I dropped without everything else falling down in the process.

I came home and was exhausted but I pushed myself to go running anyway, I ran for almost an hour and I did pretty good considering everything. I had to stop a little early because the sun went down and I don't like to run in the dark by myself, so I decided to elliptical for a bit, which turned into an hour. Then I lifted my weights for the evening. I don't want to move every again. But also it feels good to do a little extra sometimes. I've been doing better about stretching after I work out too which is important even though I hate doing it.

Now I'm sitting in bed and thinking about random things.

I want to draw a little comic before I go to sleep.

I was thinking today about how one time I shared a song with an ex because I liked a lyric in it and they got mad at me because the song was a breakup song or something and made me feel super bad about it because I made it seem like I wanted to break up with them.

And one time I commented on how I thought a song sounded nice because of some lyrics and got made fun of because it was about a one night stand.

And one time I said I liked a certain band because I thought their lyrics can be really romantic and meaningful to me, and I got kind of an eye roll and a "you think that's romantic?"

I've always been really reluctant to share music especially feelings I have about it because it's really important to me and I maybe take it too personally when I share something and it's not well received. But also I feel really lucky because I have someone I can share my silly lyrics and bands and feelings with and I don't feel like I'm going to get made fun of. It's special to me and it makes me really happy.

Admittedly whenever I'm feeling down I listen to our little band and think of you and I feel a lot better.

I'm ready for January and hugs. Less than 50 days

Better off as lovers and not the other way around
The past few days at work have been nice, I'll admit I love the slower season. There's time to do everything and I can help the needy customers without feeling stressed, and getting to visit with my co-workers more while I work is fun. For the most part everyone is in a better mood too.

I've been going to lunch with my friend Phillip and it's been nice. I've been talking to him about some stuff and he's been through similar so it's nice to hear his opinion on things and whatever. Also it's been fun to have a lunch buddy and going out and talking about whatever is cool. He had a stressful day at work today and this week is looking pretty stressful and I Want to do something nice for him but I'm not sure what.

Amanda is going to be gone for maybe the rest of the week, and although I am getting a long with her better I am also secretly maybe pretty stoked about her not being there. The atmosphere is definitely more relaxed when she isn't around.

The company Christmas party was last night, (for my old job not for Publix) since of course it's run by my family I still went. It was nice going as a guest and not as part of the people who were in charge of the event to be honest. I came, a little late because of work, and had a few drinks and some food. I participated in the events and said my goodbyes. I still think all of the employees at the restaurant are the scum of the earth and I don't miss them if I'm being honest. It's funny because I used to think I had really terrible social skills, but it turns out I was just surrounded by people I hate. Unsurprisingly I spent most of the night talking to my Dad and Iris. We both won bottles of Crown from the dirty santa exchange which is a definite plus.

The weather is going to start warming back up and I'm not really happy about that. Luckily it'll still be in the 60's and 50's but I've been enjoying how cold it's been at night. I've been daydreaming about being in Pittsburgh a lot.

Tomorrow is the start of Chanukah! I'm excited to light my little menorah. I'm happy Miki got her presents in time for Chanukah also. I remember celebrating Chanukah last year and it's weird to think how different things were.

One of the highlights of my day was getting to talk on the phone with Miki on my drive to work and hearing her fall asleep on the phone, it was just really cute and I keep thinking about it.

Reagan leaves for Illinois at the end of the week, I feel like maybe I've talked about this already? I could look but I'm too lazy. I wonder what it's going to be like having the house to myself for a week.

I haven't really been hungry all day and of course now that I'm in bed I'm hungry.

She looks up to me and whispers "I won't be here in a year"
It didn't snow! It's looking like it won't snow here after all. Oh well, it is really cold and I;m thrilled about it!

I tried to go for my run this morning and it was going really well, it wasn't raining and it was cold which is nice for running. Then it started to sprinkle and I was still committed to finishing but then it started raining harder and harder. I've gone runnning in the rain before but it was maybe a little too cold for me to want to stay in it. I came back inside and finished my exercise on the elliptical. Part of me is like, Kerstin why are you such a wimp? I might try to run a little more later. It's been raining on and off all day though so we will see.

I've been having a lot of weird stress dreams sort of about work but not directly related to work. Which is odd because things are going well at work for the most part. I didn't even have stress dreams about work when things were going terrible!

Dreams are weird.

I'm making a cake for a dude, technically for his daughter's birthday. It's in the oven now and it's making the house smell yummy and cake-like. I hope it turns out well. Miki is going to help me make business cards and this guy said once I have business cards he will pass them out to people. I'm excited.

I also found pork belly when I went to the store and it was only five dollars! So I looked up a recipe to braise it like they do for ramen and I'm attempting that and I'm going to have fancy ramen tonight.

I love cooking and baking on my days off.

I went and saw Zack at publix today and he hugged me and we only visited for a minute or so because he was busy, it was nice to see him. I still worry he's just nice to me because he's nice and doesn't actually like me. I'm weird and worry a lot about weird stuff. But also I guess that's a pretty common worry so that doesn't make me weird, (I'm still weird for other reasons though)

I feel relieved because Miki's Chanukah presents arrived and before Chanukah!

I don't want to wish the holidays away but also I'm ready for the end of January. I hope it stays cold.

One downside to a cold house, your coffee gets cold faster. That's why they invented microwaves.

Next week I'll be staying in my house by myself for the first time ever! Reagan will be in Illinois for a week and I will be here. One one hand I'm afraid of everything at night by myself. On the other hand I think I'll be okay and it'll be neat to have the house all to myself for a week.

It's been a busy day but also I've been relaxing as well. I need to get started on paintings I want to do for my mom and dad so maybe I'll work on that next.

Because I remember the sound of your voice
But I don't remember what we talked about
It doesn't matter, that's a waste of time

All your flaws are aligned with this mood of mine
Tomorrow is my day off

and it might snow (a little)

In Florida!!!! I can't believe it. We'll see! I hope so.

I had a lot of weird dreams last night. The one I remember most I was really stressed about getting to work and when I got to work I realized I wasn't wearing my uniform so I went to go change. The restroom was under construction though and the construction guys were all watching so I tried to hide and change. Then one of my co workers barged into the bathroom and exclaimed that something was going to explode, it was a loose sparkplug or something. I'm not sure. So it caught on fire and I was running away half clothed. Then I ran into my manager and I was freaking out because I was late for work and I knew she'd be mad, but she could see I was distressed (and half naked). So she wasn't mad, and I was upset and I just wanted to clock in and work. Then I realized I left my shoes in the bathroom that exploded so I went back to look for them and it took forever.

No wonder when I woke up I felt stressed.

I don't remember my dreams super often so it's always interesting when I do.

My last two days off I made cookies with my mom and it was really fun!

My cookie delivering has been going well. Everyone seems super surprised and happy and everyone loves the cookies so I'm happy. Phillip was maybe the most excited! He gave me a big hug and he said he's going to get/make me something in return. I told him he didn't have to but I'm maybe excited anyway!

We're doing a gift exchange in the bakery and it'll be fun. Pretty much everyone is doing except for Spicy Grandma who I am now deeming angry Grandma. I still think she's great.

I've been super busy all week and I'm maybe wearing down so I'm excited for my day off tomorrow, I'm going to try to relax some. I might go see Zack and take him cookies. I also have to make a cake. (I swear I'm going to try to relax!)

I need to finish my coffee and heat up my car before I head to work.

Those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
It's December 3rd and I've almost got all my Christmas cookie baking done, which is great! It's one of those things I love to do but I also go over board and get excited and end up psyching myself out about it and putting it off. Not to mention finding time isn't always easy because it's easily a two day or more event. My Mom got new kitchen appliance and finally upgraded from having a kitchen from the stone ages. She got double ovens that are super fancy so I took all my baking supplies over to her house and we've been baking all day and we got most of the cookies done! Now we just need to decorate them which will be fun.

It's funny because I thought I had all the ingredients I needed for baking but of course I should know better by now. I ended up running to the store but it's okay because I got to talk to Miki on the phone while I walked through the store. It's always fun because Miki and I's conversations are about 50 percent weird noises and 50 percent weird inside jokes, coupled with the fact I wear headphones and hide my phone in my pocket I get a lot of funny looks when I'm walking through the grocery store making weird noises. I love it.

It's been nice hanging out with my Mom today and I'm glad we're getting along again. Being out of the house today was nice.

It's crazy how fast the year has gone by and it's even crazier that it's already December. Thinking about the year and how much has happened is a little bit dizzying. It doesn't really feel like that long ago I was getting off the plane in Pittsburgh after being stuck in an aiport for way too many hours. Or flying back to Florida to start my new job.

Before that I was in Pittsburgh for the first time and I got to see snow and it was amazing and I'm just sitting here like wow I went to Pittsburgh for the first time this year and I went twice?

I'm not good at remembering time and dates and things just kind of float around scrambled up in my head and I'm weird.

So much has happened in a year.

I'm excited for 2018, it's going to be a tough year (what year isn't though) but it's going to be a good one. I can tell.

I've made a little discovery about myself recently and although I'm not really one to not like any Holidays, I'm pretty easily excited, I really actually don't like new years eve. It doesn't really have anything to do with the Holiday itself but I have a laundry list of personal reasons I don't like it much. It's a little embarrassing to say the least. I don't really think this year will be the best one either if I'm being honest. It's not really a big deal, it's just an evening.

(But maybe I'm excited for the New Years eve where I get to share a (even somewhat) drunken kiss at midnight)

I'm cheesey or whatever.

Also tiny personal accomplishment but I baked cookies for something like 5 hours today and managed to not eat so much cookie dough/cookies that I give myself a stomach ache. Not even a tiny stomache ache.

Sometimes it's the little things.

It doesn't matter where you are, I'll hold you again
I'm pretty sure like 60 percent of my journals (or more) start off with me not knowing how to start off journals and talking about it.

Today was good, things at work have been getting better. I think the manager that previously hated me/thought I was useless, is finally warming up to me and maybe doesn't think I'm useless.She told me today that I'm doing a good job and she likes working with me, and I don't know, it was really nice to hear. I've been training at doing wedding cakes and they're going to let me decorate a display cake to replace the current display cake at the store which I am maybe pretty stoked about!

I also got to have lunch with Phillip today, (he ended up having to cancel our dinner plans which I wasn't actually surprised about). It was fun and we talked about work and video games and our girlfriends and it was fun. I enjoy hanging out with him even if he cancels most of our plans. Admittedly though I'm not always good at surprise plans and I'm getting used to co-workers asking me randomly to hang out on lunch breaks. It's fun though getting to just casually hang out with people.

I have the next two days off so I'm going to start my Christmas cookie palooza and here's hoping I don't eat way too many cookies! (haha fat chance) I'm excited to ship out cookies and bring them to people. It's one of my favorite Christmas things. I'm going to try some new cookie recipes this year and that'll be fun too!

I finished an animal crossing drawing I've been working on for something like 3 days now? It shouldn't have taken that long but I'm Kerstin. Overall I'm proud of it though, I need to draw more. Especially on the computer so I can color more things, I want to draw more animal crossing stuff so maybe I'll start up another picture soon. Maybe I'll even finish it in like 2 days.

Reagan and I went over to my Mom's house for dinner and it was nice. She got new kitchen appliances which she's excited for and they look really nice and it's good because her old appliances were probably used by dinosaurs. She made ribs so now I've officially eaten ribs 3 days in a row and I'm not complaining.

I'm up late tonight which is fun, I like staying up late but sometimes I'm so tired I just can't do it. I was so excited to talk to Miki tonight though that I don't really want to go to sleep, but maybe I will at some point. I don't have a busy day tomorrow so there's no rush to wake up super early, although knowing me I probably will anyways.

I got my tickets to go to Pittsburgh at the end of February and I'm really looking forward to it, Miki and I will even get to fly together and honestly I'm so excited about it I can't put it into words! I love traveling as it is but traveling together is going to be extra fun! I wish our layover in Atlanta was going to be a little longer but that's okay!

Anyway Im going to roll around in bed until I maybe eventually go to sleep.

Guess things didn't go the way that you planned
I have weird feelings.

It's weird how someone you were really close to can turn into a total stranger. Today has been kind of an up and down day. Which most of them are lately. But I've been doing better recently.

It's weird being cryptic and vague in my own little journal but I still feel weird saying names so for now I'll keep being vague I guess.

It's just different, things are so different now. I thought I knew everything about you, but I never really think I did. I don't know. I used to feel really comfortable being myself around you. I feel like I have to hide a lot of things now. I don't know if you even really like me anymore. You say you do, or well you used to. I don't know. You say a lot of things that are "just jokes" and maybe I'm too sensitive but they always feel backhanded and I feel like there are undertones of judgement. It hurts. Maybe I'm just projecting my own guilty feelings onto you. Maybe I'm just projecting the contempt I think you should feel for me onto you. I'm not sure. I feel terrible and I wonder what you think of me. On that really bad night you said the way you thought about me, and about things had changed. I didn't and still don't have the courage to ask what you meant. I think about it a lot. I know I did this, I know I chose this. I feel like the bad guy, and I feel weird and gross about myself a lot and I feel like you think I lied to you. Maybe I'm projecting again. I still feel like this was the right thing though. I know I haven't made you happy in a long time, and it's not fair for either of us to watch you grow more and more miserable every day. We're different now and I'm sorry. It's been hard to know what I can fix and when it's too much for both of us. I still feel guilty, I still feel like it seems like I just gave up. I didn't though, I thought about everything a lot. I don't know who I'm trying to validate myself to. It doesn't matter.

We've changed so much. I know I'm different. I don't think you like who I've turned into. That's okay, not everyone is everyone else's cup of tea. You seem angry all the time, not outwardly. Like it's just boiling under the surface. I can't remember the last time you seemed genuinely happy and I'm sorry. I feel like I'm to blame for a lot of it.

Blah blah blah rambling, I just need to put some stuff down into writing.

Today's journal isn't super fun and I apologize.

Today was actually a nice day though, the end was just a little rocky. And I've had this stuff on my mind a lot lately anyway. I got a lot done and I had a super nice massage and I've gotten to visit and talk on the phone with Miki a lot which is always a good thing.

I'm doing good, I'm strong.

Tomorrow, God willing, I will be having dinner with Phillip and that'll be nice. Zack might even come too! We'll see.

I missed the days when you would understand
The way that I am.
You have me feeling lonely and detached.
Every time I'm moving forward
We take two steps back.
I need to have a moment to myself.
County lines, clear my mind with someplace else
Besides this stairwell.
Alone and on the road, I'm overwhelmed.
I need to find the difference in how I feel and how I felt.


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