You got that kind of medicine that keeps me comin'
Writing a little early today because it's Friday and that means margaritas. We all know margaritas means Kerstin probably won't stay conscious long enough to to anything productive after dinner, although if I made it to writing a journal that'd probably be a fun thing to read in the morning.

Today has been the first day I haven't really had a list of things to do. I exercised but I didn't sleep well last night so after that I was exhausted, I did a little cleaning and started the laundry so that's good. Then I napped and that was nice, now I might go to pier park again and play pokemon go for a bit because with the little water festival thing going on there's actually some cool pokemon to catch!

I drew a few more comics too. I kind of want to eat a croissant, not with anything on it just a whole croissant. They're so good!

I started working on a personal playlist I told myself I would do a while ago, I have a few songs on it but I always get weird and picky and nervous when I make playlists so I have to listen to every song I choose 100+ times to make sure it's okay. And with everything else in my life, when I'm not focused on the list I could name so many songs I want on it but when I sit down to do it I can't think of any. I've gotten better about writing things down as I think about them though so that helps.

Today was really good, but then it ended weird.

Highlights: I was productive, did really well on my run, accepted my job at publix so I don't have to worry about having a job.

Reagan had to see my mom today, and she brought me up and tried to blame everything on me. Which is shitty, but also Reagan doesn't want to be in the middle of this and I don't know.

I'm tired but I can't sleep.

I don't like this weird expectation everyone has that because my mom is my mom I eventually am going to just accept things the way they are and roll over. Because it's what "family" does.

Fuck that. Maybe I'm being too stubborn.

Can I have one more taste to make it through the day?
Another pretty productive day, although I had a pretty annoying headache that would come and go most of the day. I'm glad it's finally gone but I hope I don't have a repeat of it tomorrow.

I'm trying not to feel guilty for not working right now, it's honestly pretty nice because it's giving me time to do some things I want/need to do and get used to the fact that things are about to change a lot.

I feel pretty set that I'm going to take the job at publix, it's kind of perfect. I'm going to continue doing the thing I love, they seem to really want me there, and I'm starting at a decent pay rate, also I can't forget the really nice list of employee benefits. Miki and Reagan both agree it sounds like a good opportunity so I'm happy. Now it's time to worry about what can go wrong. I'm trying not to but it's what I do!

I drew a few comics tonight so unless I think of something amazing I don't have to do them for the next few nights! But if I do think if more things then I have backups for nights I can't think of stuff.

I want to eat snacks, mostly candy, mostly chocolate. That's not new but I'm looking at a chocolate bar that I shouldn't eat in one sitting, hmm.

16 days!

You shouldn't be drowning on your own
Things are going well, my two interviews went great! I basically have two jobs guaranteed, now I just need to choose. But also I'm waiting to see if I get any other call backs.

I keep meaning to look up the different benefits, I'll definitely do it tomorrow! That'll be a big factor into my choice.

I got all of my packages shipped today which always feels nice, I take kind of a long time to package things and for some reason it's one of those things I find myself procrastinating on. I just got it together and did it so go me, and I think in a day or so I'll post some more sales. It's nice to have some extra funds right now! Just in case.

My friend Austin and I went to the beach today, he likes the beach and it's free so I went and we hung out for a little bit. I'm still weirdly allergic (I guess) to the ocean water? I got in and turned a bright pink color, we were near a place to rinse off so I did and it went away though. It was fun and it's cool catching up with him.

This is silly but after I spend a few hours with friends or off doing something I find myself really wanting to talk to you and tell you about it.

Doing good in the love live event! I don't think I have any plans to leave the house tomorrow so maybe I can get even further ahead! I like the challenge festivals a lot.

This world is about to change
This weekend was really nice, I even finished the pokemon room up! It looks even better than I imagined and the bed is set up and everything fits and it's good. Now Miki has a little room so she can feel even more comfortable when she's here maybe.

It was a really fun little project and was actually really relaxing and distracting from other things I've been worried about. Taking pictures of my pokemon toys and re-organizing them are some of my favorite things!

I weeded out a few things and am selling some doubles I have, it's nice to have the extra money and thanks to Miki and Jen my post got a lot of attention and I've sold a lot of things!

While I was out getting dog food for macaroni I got a text from my mom saying I don't need to finish out my two weeks they don't need me anymore. I'm officially jobless, which is bittersweet. My feelings about the whole thing are really weird and mixed. I almost cried when I saw the text but then I didn't because fuck that. I'm angry because I feel like this is just another jab from my mom, I'm also confused because she was asking me to stay and hoping I'd change my mind in my final two weeks. On the other hand I don't have to go there anymore and I'm officially done with that place and that part of my life and it's really liberating. I knew these next two weeks wouldn't be easy either way. Luckily money-wise I was prepared for this so that's not too stressful and I have a good feeling I am definitely going to be able to get hired at publix if nothing else pulls through (and also I still have my friends job offer) so I don't need to stress. But I like to worry anyway so I probably will.

But it takes some time to get anything right, Right?
I promised myself I wouldn't drink too much and I wouldn't pass out when I got home and I would journal and blah blah and well it didn't happen! I had a good time though and that's what matters.

Yesterday was the big day, I quit my job (put in my 2 weeks) and it went not great. There wasn't a fight but my Mom of course wasn't excited about the news and said things to me that made me feel bad/weird which is her specialty, especially lately. I'm over it now and am glad that's behind me.

Everything she said was a total turn around from what she said to me the last time we talked, I'm now irreplaceable and important and a hard worker and she has been trying to make this job as comfortable for me as she can, i don't know. I don't really know what to believe but I really don't care and this isn't a healthy environment for my own sanity.

Of course personal stuff got brought up as well, we rehashed that our relationship as mother and daughter is clearly not good right now. She said she doesn't understand why, and I told her I tried to explain it to her but she wouldn't listen. She kept repeating that she doesn't understand and that she hasn't changed at all so she doesn't understand where this has come from and why it's so sudden. I wanted to say that she hasn't changed at all and this is honestly a long time coming, and I'm the one that's changing. I saved my breath because it doesn't matter and I could explain until I'm blue in the face but she still won't understand. I did however say if she really feels that way and can't see what I'm saying that this is even more of a reason I need to do this. She said she didn't understand. Sigh.

At this point I don't really know if our relationship is worth fixing. One step at a time.

It's funny because I've read all of this stuff about toxic relationships and toxic parenting and so on, and now it's all kind of starting to look pretty textbook. (and I know I'm not the crazy one here, but I still can't help but wonder if it's me sometimes)

Everything is starting to feel more and more real. I had my first interview today and it went well, really well even! I have a follow up interview on monday! So that's cool, and I also have an interview with starbucks on monday. Albeit I had a small melt down before the interview that was just silly, but also I'm going to forgive myself this time because I'm under a lot of pressure right now. I think my next interviews will be handled with a little more grace and I will be more prepared.

I'm excited about things and nervous about things and worried about things but I can do this and things will be okay and whatever happens, happens. It is however the nicest thing in the world that when I'm worried about something I can talk about them and I'm in relationships with people who are supportive and sweet and caring. It's really great.

I got the house cleaned so that's nice and now I'm going to start figuring out an arrangement for the pokemon room. This is going to be a few day project maybe but I'm excited for it!

Every time I listen to Pierce the Veil, (especially the Collide with the Sky album) I feel like I'm back on a plane to Pittsburgh, or riding around in the car with you and admiring all the hills (and how beautiful you are) but it makes me really happy because it's not too long until that's a real thing again.

I'm a nervous wreck (oh hell yes)
Have I used that title before? I'm not sure, oh well it's applicable to me a lot of the time!

Today was actually maybe one of the least stressful days this week though, which is nice since tomorrow is going to maybe potentially be really bad. Finally officially putting in my two weeks notice. It kind of feels like i'm going to jump into cold water. Either the water will be cold like I expect and it will be shocking and uncomfortable, and I will adjust and it will be fine, or it will be cold and uncomfortable and full of sharks and it will be uncomfortable and I will be maimed and maybe die. I'm being dramatic, everything will be fine. If there are sharks I will punch them in the fucking face because that's my only option (besides dying but I have things I want to do before I die so).

It kind of feels like tomorrow is the turn of the page for the next chapter in my life. I think a lot of days are about to feel like that, and a lot of days already have. It's like that part of the book where there are a lot of mini chapters.

I have a bad habit lately of sitting on the couch and not doing anything. I don't mean poking my phone, or napping, or wasting my time with little things "anything" I mean staring off into space and thinking about how I definitely shouldn't be sitting on the sofa staring off into space. I think it's a weird coping mechanism, but it's useless. I'd rather nap. Unlike naps though it's a lot easier to come back from staring into space, when I take naps because I'm not feeling good that's basically saying goodbye to the rest of my day.

It's weird though because I don't feel outwardly too upset or stressed. Feelings are weird.

It's only 3 weeks until I'm back in Pittsburgh and it's weird and exciting! I'm happy I'm going back so soon, after all this it'll be nice to have another mini vacation and see Miki and just be happy and relaxed for a few days. On one hand it's going by fast and I know I'll be there soon, on the other hand I just checked one of my application statuses and it said "applied yesterday" and it's like fuck that felt like last week.

Yesterday was my moms birthday and that was weird, I said Happy Birthday and she shrugged me off and I shrugged her off and it was uncomfortable but maybe less uncomfortable than if she wanted to pretend nothings going on. I guess she had a birthday party and invited a lot of the people from work over and they all got really drunk.

I constantly worry if I'm making the right decisions.

It's been "cold" this week and I really love it. Sweaters and not being sweaty. It's so nice, everyone is like winter already happened make it go away, but winter didn't even happen please shut up. Or don't shut up, and wear your heavy snow jackets and be miserable while I look cute in my Fall Out Boy sweater. Shrug.

I can't deny it's getting worse
Trust me it's a blessing and a curse
Call me if you're crashing, we'll take turns

I'll sing along, oh 'Cause I don't know any other song
Feeling a little overwhelmed today. Still excited, but also nervous.

What if none of the places I apply to want to hire me? What if I don't make it past training. I dunno, I'm trying to stay confident. I can do anything I set my mind to! I wish the hiring process was a little faster though, I really hate waiting. It's best not to be hasty though.

Nervous about going into businesses and doing follow up calls too, which I'll start doing this weekend. A lot of the places I'm applying are in pier park so I figure I can wear something nice and walk around and pop in at my top choices. I hope it goes well.

I didn't draw or journal yesterday, I think I napped a little? I don't remember but I did play a lot of love live! I was able to squeeze into tier three which is good enough for me because at least I got both of the event cards! I wanted to get the second Ruby card but an hour past my sleep time I was still a lot of points away so I figured i'll just idolize her with stickers. I'll do better at the next event! Score matches are not my strength that is for sure.

Gonna try to think of a little comic to draw and well I'm journaling so I'm already ahead on that one!

I'm really happy I have a lot of support from my wonderful girlfriends. I'm handling things a lot better thanks to both of them and they both always give me the confidence boosts I need and help me remember that this is definitely a good thing! I'm a really lucky girl.

I keep picturing myself in new job positions, it's hard to picture obviously because I've only worked in one place and I don't even have any clue which place will be the next place I work at. Thinking about not working for family, especially my mom is liberating though. I feel like my dad is worried I don't realize how hard working somewhere else is going to be, and I appreciate his concern of course. I know that it's not going to be a walk in the park wherever I go, I'm going to have less free time and less flexibility more than likely. I'm going to face a lot of new challenges and they're going to be hard. However this is definitely best for my own mental health. I feel like I'm holding myself back and once I do this I'll have a lot less self doubt. That's not even getting into the whole weird mother daughter relationship turmoil that I'm going through and has escalated recently.

I'm kind of tired and I feel like this is poorly written but oh well.

Wow, if I could take this in a shot right now
Today went better than I thought. My mom took the day off from work I guess so I didn't have to see her and that saved a lot of awkward feelings.

I felt really tired and crampy most of the day but when I got hom I took a small nap and it helped a lot. It was an extra nice nap in honor of national nap day, my new favorite holiday.

When I take tiny naps I always dream about you.

I've been really missing you today, I just want to sit on the couch and hood you while you play love live. Or fall asleep in your bed and wake up next to you

I went out with my friend Austin who I haven't seen in a while today and it was a lot of fun, we hung out for a few hours and just talked about stuff. He's actually moved back here for a while with the guy he's been dating so maybe I'll get to see him more often.

Lately Macaroni takes forever when I let him out to go potty, and he doesn't do his business and then he has to go a few minutes later and it's annoying. I love you doggo but please!

But I see stars around your face
The weekend is over, I've put in applications for a few places and I'm feeling good but also nervous as usual. I'm excited about all these new jobs and opportunities and things but still I wonder what it's going to be like when all these things change.

The weekend was nice though and I accomplished the things I wanted to get done. It's weird because I didn't go running because it was cold and rainy this morning and I was a little achey so I did the elliptical because it's nice and inside and also lower impact. I know I made the right decision but I feel like I didn't do enough because I didn't go running, and when I'm on the elliptical it doesn't count my steps so my little wrist step counter thing is really under what I'm used to. I know it's all in my head and I did a good job though.

I texted some former employees to ask if I could use them as references on my resume and I got a really nice text message back from one girl in particular and it was really sweet. I have some references now too and that makes me feel good.

I bought a lot of ingredients at the store to cook dinner a few nights this week because I want to get back into cooking at home instead of always eating out, although I do also love to go out for food too. I made corn muffins tonight because I ate the last of my Miki corn muffins and I was sad. They aren't quite as yummy or as special as getting corn muffins from my girlfriend, but they'll do! I still have lots of cookies from when I visited so that's nice too! Kind of want to go and eat one now oops.

I wonder what work is going to be like tomorrow. I'm less worried about it than I would have guessed I would be but I'm also not really looking forward to it either.


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